Friday, September 17, 2010

Bang! Pow! Boom!

I think it's about time to review the newest effort from one of my all time favourite artists, Insane Clown Posse. ICP has always been a very important part of my life. The beautifully harmonious vocals of these two men, nay, Gods, blows my mind. But it's not like I need an introduction, we all know their genius. Here is my take on their latest album, Bang! Pow! Boom!

Right from the start you know this will be genius. The album title says it all. I think it described the actions my penis made when the intro played.

The first song starts off amazingly. Their vocal range always amazes me, with the incredible falsetto wails of BANG POW BOOM. Unreal. The musical accompaniment is incredible too. Think John Williams meets Metallica. Everything good about music having a disgusting sexual night to create pure joy.

I skipped ahead a few tracks to the song To Catch A Predator. This song features the amazing backup vocals of Chris Hansen, and I think it was used as the theme song for Dateline NBC. I'm just assuming from the title, but I'm almost positive I'm right.

Track nine would be a very moving track, but I will get to the true moving moments at the end. This song takes a close second though. It's called Love, and of course is about that feeling we all desperately crave when we're dancing alone in the basement to ICP. Sometimes I hold my pillow and listen to this song, pretending it's my pillow returning my love...

Second last song I'll review is Juggalo Island. Now I think Juggalos are mystical creatures that are enemies of clowns. Clowns are everything that is pure, and Juggalos are the exact opposite. Fat disgusting men in makeup covered in KFC grease and Faygo root beer. I assume that the clowns must hate these creatures, so they hoarded them all off to their own island to save the rest of humanity from their filth. I didn't listen to the lyrics, but yet again, I'm pretty positive I'm correct.

The second last song is when shit gets real. This is perhaps the deepest song I've ever heard. Miracles. The way ICP realizes all these beautiful aspects of life and appreciates them really makes me have more faith in humanity. If these busy clowns can take time out of their busy world-saving days to appreciate a rainbow, then why can't we all? They also bring up many good points. I'd like to see you explain a magnet. Cause it's just a miracle guys... Like music. You can't even hold it. This song speaks to me on a level that music has never reached. Plus it has a nice catchy beat. I can dance AND appreciate at the same time. How can so much awesomeness be doable at once? Two words. Fuckin miracles.

308% Incredible Album.


Sunday, September 12, 2010

Rocket Man - The Definitive Hits

Today I'm going to review a very underrated indie musician, Elton John. One look at this man probably makes you wonder how he has time to even make albums between sleeping with so many women, let alone have enough to have a greatest hits album. But Elton John can do it all, while maintaining his underground indie cred.

The CD starts off with Bennie and the Jets. I think this is about the curling team The New York Jets. Being the straight hip man he is, I bet he loves sports. I don't quite get sports myself, so I don't understand this song. It's still a good listen though.

There are too many good songs on this to review, as this is an indie masterpiece. It's sad that it has to be so rare and unknown... but what would be the point of liking it if everyone else did, right?

Rocket Man is an incredible song, about journeys into space. I think he wrote this when he went into space with William Shatner, a fellow Scottish man. I love this song so much.

Tiny Dancer is another hit. I'd call it a classic, but it's hard for indie bands to have classics in this day and age... it's a sad reality. I really dig this song, with backup vocals by fellow indie musician David Grohl, from Pearl Jam.

But let's skip to what you want to know. Is there any songs on here I can dance to Ted? Of course there is. Tracks 10 and 11 make for the best dancing ever. Crocodile Rock and I'm Still Standing. Excellent dance beats. If these songs played in clubs, maybe I'd leave my basement....



Yeah who are we kidding? But I will still constantly dance to these songs in my basement alone, with a 6 pack of Cranberry Coolers, and some veggie dogs. I live the life.

17/20 self dances for Sir John.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Crazy Sexy Hits: The Very Best of TLC

This review has been long awaited, and is finally here. As requested by fellow blogger Shane West, I bring to you the best band of all time. TLC. It is hard to pick an album, because they have so many incredible hits, so I chose to review their greatest hits album, Crazy Sexy Hits.

Let's get straight into reviewing this incredible disc. It kicks off with one of their best songs ever made, No Scrubs. Now I disagree with the message this song gives, because Scrubs was a phenomenal sitcom, and I recommend that everyone watch it. But message aside, this song can only be summed up in two words. Amaz... ing. The heavy backing music is monstrous, and the vocals of these three teenaged boys is a masterpiece. This song has me dancing everytime.

The second song is also an amazing hit. Waterfalls. This song rocks. Beyond all belief. Fuck Slayer. If you want to headbang, put on Waterfalls by TLC. There is only one way to sum up the beauty of this song. Ever seen a real life waterfall? Majestic pieces of nature. This song captures the beauty and energy of the real thing into one 5 minute package.

The next song on the CD that I hear is No Scrubs. This song is probably the best of the 3 yet. Yet again, like the first track, I am dancing all over the place. I just can't get enough of this album.

Track 4, Waterfalls kicks in next. Amazing. Soulful. Powerful. Heavenly.

Wait a minute. You might be wondering about the track list. Since the first 2 songs were so incredible, I programmed my CD player to just play the first 2 tracks on loop. I don't want to tarnish their genius by hearing any possible bad songs. Not that they could make any. But it's just a safety precaution.

All in all, if you like music, you like these songs. They sum up everything great about music. Fun, soulful, and amazing to dance to. Absolutely amazing. I recommend this CD to anyone who loves throwing off his clothes and dancing alone as much as I do, and honestly, who doesn't?

My first 100% scoring review.


Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Kid A

I still have a pending review of TLC requested by fellow blogger Shane West, but today I was in such a happy mood I am going to review my number one cheer up album of all time.

That's right. Radiohead's Kid A. From the moment this album starts off, the first beat totally lifts you right out of depression and sets the mood for the entire album. This upbeat song, Everything In It's Right Place, is one of the happiest techno songs in existence.

The next song continues this trend of joy, with beautiful poppy synth sounds that are guaranteed to have the room dancing. It's hard to be sad while listening to the beautiful uplifting lyrics of vocalist Thom Yorke.

The next song is a cover of The National Anthem. I'm not quite sure what country it is, but I bet they were ecstatic when they heard that upbeat techno band Radiohead was doing of version to honor them.

Track 4, How To Disappear Completely, is probably the happiest song on the album. It's upbeat atmosphere was created with intricately and beautifully, that I can't help but shit rainbows when I hear it. Masterpiece.

The rest of the album continues this trend of upbeat techno songs, perfect for any rave or club scene. My only complaint is track 7, In Limbo. I believe this song is rather guitar driven, which in my opinion has no place on a techno album of such magnitude. All it does it bring me down and crave more of the happy beats the rest of the album has to offer.

Whenever I'm in my basement and realize I have nothing to dance alone to, and want to kill myself, I always find my way back to this album. From start to finish (I have my player to skip track 7) it is a masterpiece of techno music, and I find myself dancing up a sweat. Better break out the shop-vac to clean up...

7/3 Self Dances for this brilliant uplifting album.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Lights Out

Tonight I have decided to do a special review, on a new single that I just heard. All of my friends have been sending me links to different videos, but for some reason this song always comes up, and I just can't get enough. This song... no... this masterpiece of auditory art is called Lights Out, by the next up-and-coming teen pop sensation, Rick Astley.

Just look into those eyes. Clearly this is a man who is no stranger to love... but enough about this rugged young man, and onto the song itself.

The second this song starts you hear his beautiful voice pierce into your very heart and soul. The dark clouds of depression lift, and the stunning sunlight shines back in.

The beautiful musical accompaniment kicks in beautifully, and come the second verse you can hear the excited cheering of fans. This is actually a mistake, because no one in the studio could hold themselves together when they heard how amazing this song was truly becoming. The applause sounded so good in the mix that they decided to keep it in.

This song scores an amazing 89 / 16 self-dances. I could not stop moving through a second of it.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it has taken almost 2011 years, but music has finally found it's saviour.

Rick Astley.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Is This It

My second review is an album that I have heard about for a long time, but finally am taking the time to listen to. This release is Is This It, by progressive metal band The Strokes.

Progressive metal has always been one of my favourite genres of music. I really love R.E.M. and Ke$ha, but I didn't know what to expect when I first put on The Strokes.

I skipped the first song as it was very slow, and must of just been a joke intro track. The second track kicked in with an awful sounding note repeating over and over. Now this is the progressive metal I've come to love. As the bass kicks in the song really gets a hit. But then the vocals come in and ruin it all. What is this? It isn't the fifties anymore, where is all the auto tune and screaming? Next...

More boring fifties sound. I know the idea is to experiment and progress, but this is just a bit too bland for the genre in my opinion.

Skipping ahead to Alone Together, I have finally found a neat riff. I believe it is on a harpsichord or mandolin... whatever the hip kids are playing on their records today. The vocalist again has no auto tune or screaming, and I just can't get into the drums. Very little blast beats.

OMG LAST NITE. This song was totally awesome. There was a guitar solo that melted my dick off. Literally. I might have to change the name of this blog to reflect my new gender.

Anyway... this was a bit too 50s and boring to be a progressive metal album. If you are into slave songs and chuck berry feel free to listen. If you are into true metal, like 3OH!3, i would steer clear of this album.

I mean... there isn't even anything on it I can dance to alone. What is the point of music if I can't let out my ponytail, and dance through my basement like a bird in the wind? All i want to do is have some fun... and I got a feeling I'm not the only one.

1/9 self-dances.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Fully Completely

For my first review I will taking a request from my friend to review a Tragically Hip album. The album I have chosen is Fully Completely.

First off I would like to say that this is my least favourite rap album I have ever heard. I put this on to the first track, Courage, and was expecting a lovely street tune about how courageous growing up on the streets of Canada could be. The beats are unoriginal and I cannot even dance to it. Instead of upbeat synthesizer I hear nothing but strange rock instruments that do not belong on a rap CD.

Next is the rapper himself, Gordon Downer. His flow fits the rhythm well enough I guess, but I cannot seem to understand a word he says. His high almost singing voice does not fit the rap genre as well as he might think it does. And don't get me started about the lyrical content. Where are the drugs and guns and bitches? All I'm hearing about is something called "hockey" and wheat. Maybe Canadians should just stick to not putting out rap albums.

Overall I was pretty disappointed by what this CD offered in the field of rap music.

I give it 2/10 on a scale of not dancing with myself to a fine dance work out.